Lisha Cassibo has been writing for the Uxbridge Cosmos for two years, both as a freelancer and as a columnist. She has also written for several parenting magazines both here in Canada and for English publications in Switzerland. She graduated from Carleton University with an honours degree in Journalism and English Literature. She lives with her family in Sunderland.
The parenting storm
Absurdity in parenthood has reached its zenith. Believe it or not, I am not referring to the fact that I had to sing Away in a Manger as a lullaby to a snail that my five-year old tried to sneak into bed the other night. I am instead referring to the story that has taken Toronto, if not the world, by “Storm”. Yes, I'm talking about the poor baby upon whom its parents have decided to conduct a social experiment and raise it “genderless.” Neither as a boy nor a girl. And they won't tell people what sex the baby is. Grandparents don't even know.
When I first read the story, I was affronted; how dare they keep a secret like that from me - that sort of thing is public knowledge! Then I was confused - really, why would anyone want to go to all that effort? Is it really that big of a deal? Being a Libra, however, I couldn't just judge it and leave it. I had to find out more, discover what drove these “parents” to make that kind of decision. What did others think? What did professionals think? Then I thought globally - is our world really that narrow and unforgiving? I'm all for being the best parent I can be; am I dropping the ball and raising my daughters to be “typical girls” with no room for bending?
All I could come up with is that Storm's parents are so far left of centre they aren't even in the ballpark anymore! The mother was interviewed on the CBC, and said they “are letting Storm make gender-based decisions for him/her self and letting Storm decide who Storm wants to be.”
Couple of things, there, Mom. Firstly, Storm is four months old. S/he just discovered that s/he has toes. I don't see any life changing decisions being made any time soon. Secondly, the “choice” that Storm apparently has was, in fact, made in the ninth week of pregnancy. Xx or Xy - it was decided then. So you get what you get, and you go with it!
Wouldn't the parents do better to teach their children to celebrate who and what they are, and at the same time teach them to value and respect the other sex? Their oldest son, Jazz, at the tender age of five, is allowed to choose dresses to wear when they shop, and has lovely long brown braids in his hair. His face still gives him away as a boy. It just looks boyish. Their other son, Kio, who is two, has blonde curls and a cherubic face. Easily mistaken for a girl, especially with the tutu on. Now, I'm all for letting the boys dress up, try those clothes, and wear whatever colours they want. As an aside, it may be interesting to note that it was only about 30-40 years ago that western society started applying pink to girls and blue to boys. Before that, it actually swung the other way, as pink was considered the stronger, more vibrant colour and therefore more applicable to males. Whatever.
I let my girls wear what they want, and play with what they want. My middle daughter wanted a set of dinky cars for Christmas two years ago - dinky cars she got, and we didn't blink an eye. My youngest is a princess fan in every sense of the word, and that's ok. My husband and I are just happy they have passions, a focus, something they can get into. They certainly don't spend their time thinking about whether it's too boy-y or girly. Neither should we.
I do think these parents are trying too hard to combat something that can just as easily be incorporated into everyday life. These kids, if they went to school, would more than likely be marginalized for being weird, the very marginalization that the parents are trying to avoid. Bullies are already an issue, let's not hand them targets! And what about when they get older? Applications don't offer “Gender: M ____ F _____ Um, Not Sure _____” So they will have to define themselves according to society's standards at some point.
Storm's parents should just be happy that they have a beautiful, healthy baby, and do the best they can to raise it in an unforgiving world. When I had my second child, in Switzerland, I shared a room with a woman who had delivered a hermaphrodite baby. The mother had no qualms about showing me the baby, and the tricks its genitals had played. The exterior gave no clue as to sex, as both sex organs were present. Tests immediately after birth showed that inside, the baby was more a girl, with a uterus but no ovaries. The parents decided that the tiny penis would be removed, and the baby would begin hormone treatment immediately, for life. Now THAT'S a real gender problem. Yes, the possibility exists that the baby will become transgendered later in life, and feel more boy than girl. Perhaps she'll be homosexual. Perhaps she'll be a hetero woman who can't have kids. It entirely depends on how her family treats her - if she gets unconditional love and support for whoever she turns out to be, then her life will more than likely be happy. Not trouble free, but happy. Storm's parents don't know how lucky they are. Teach Storm to treat others who have real issues with fairness and equality, and it can only come back round.
I really do think Storm's parents are creating a tempest in a teapot, using their child as a social soapbox, and not really getting at the heart of the matter. Do unto others….
As for not letting the grandparents know? Well, if they're trying to keep Storm that much of a secret, they're ripping themselves off of some excellent babysitting!
